Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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