i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
