Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
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