why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
