can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
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Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
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They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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