Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
two words: eviction party
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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