where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I didn't notice because vodka
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Nobody cheats on THIS.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
