i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
