Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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