He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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