Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
