Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
