Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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