She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
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I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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