I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
