eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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