he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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