Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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