woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
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I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
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I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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