just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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