It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
