I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize