I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
