Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
