I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I have grass duct taped all over my body
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
