hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You pole danced in your parka.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
