they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
