booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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