Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
