So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
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I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
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I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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