Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
