A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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