Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
