fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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