I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
