I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
