I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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