it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
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