I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
