its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
