I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
