I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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