The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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