Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
