You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Randomize
