Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
