Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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