I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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