Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
