You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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