oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
