You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
try to milk me bitch
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
