nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
