i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
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