She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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