i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
