If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
