why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
My breasts were aching with rage.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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