My friends, they love my intelligence
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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