And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
