it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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