I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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