The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
