Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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