It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
