Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
