I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
